8 Dark Realities About Being Single

Being single is so
great, am I right? No Significant Other to whine about how you never
take him/her out anywhere anymore. You save a whole lot of money on
dinners and trips to the cinema. And don’t get me started on the
in-laws that you would be forced to visit on holidays! Why can’t
they just mind their own business? Anyway, while not feeling chained
to somebody might feel liberating for a while, eventually you will
discover that there are a lot of terrible things associated with not
being in a committed relationship. Here’s a look at eight dark
realities about singlehood, if you dare!

1.You Will Die
Much, Much Earlier

It has been found
that the key to a longer life is to be in a stable marriage. And a
vape-free lifestyle. On the flipside, people who are single can
expect to die very young. In fact, a recent Harvard University study
found that the average life expectancy of a lonely individual who
never finds love is only around 35, compared to 75 years for married
couples! Pretty scary stuff, eh? Fortunately, I’m completely making
this up. I’m just checking to see that you’re paying attention.
Now let’s continue…

2. Shadow Puppets
Are No Substitute For Real Love

One evening you turn
off all the lights in the room except for a desk lamp. Whoa! It’s
like a spotlight! You’re suddenly struck by a flash of inspiration
and the result is a shadow puppet show. Using your hands, you are
able to create all sorts of different images. Rabbits! Wolves! Goats!
They are cute! They are entertaining! You can do this these shadow
puppet shows for hours upon hours on end. But you quickly learn that
they don’t compensate for a real relationship. Being single really
sucks, guys. 🙁

3. You Find
Yourself Wanting to Snack on the Bus Driver

You live in a big
city and have opted to use public transport instead of driving a car
to work. That’s quite commendable! If only you were as determined
to find a mate as you are about saving the environment. Here’s the
thing: the days go by and you’re still without a partner, the daily
weekday commutes with a bus driver named Rusty behind the wheel will
become the highlight of your romantic life. No ring on his finger
either. You will yearn to stroke his greying mustache and polish his
shiny, bald head. He’ll be a tad on the portly side, but what’s a
few extra pounds in the scheme of things? You will snap out of this
fantasy soon enough, but the fact that you even took the time to
daydream about him shows just how far you will have sunk.

4. Everybody Will
Eventually Figure Out There Is No Canadian Girlfriend/Boyfriend

So you’re still
single and your friends and family keep bugging you about settling
down. To get them to shut up already, you make up a fake
girlfriend/boyfriend. You come up with a story about how you met
(through a friend of a friend of a friend), what they do (Starbucks
barista, of course), and their personality traits (outgoing,
intelligent, and if they are a girl, good birthing hips). Also,
he/she lives in Canada and is banned from entering America for
reasons you’d rather not explain. This might work for a while, but
at some point when they threaten to buy non-refundable flight tickets
to Calgary in order to meet the supposed love of your life, you will
have no choice but to admit it was all just a ruse. So get on Tinder
and find a real girlfriend/boyfriend already!

5. What others
call Valentine’s Day, you just call February 14th Day

February 14th
arrives and you go about your day just as you normally would. But
here’s the thing: you’re puzzled by the sights of couples with
all those cards, candy, heart-shaped balloons and torture devices.
“What in Sam Hill is going on?” you might ask. Well, lovers call
this Valentine’s Day. So now you know. And it makes you feel sorta
sad.

6. You Become
Notorious For Stopping Other Marriages From Happening

You know how at the
end of the wedding vows the marriage official says, “If anyone
objects, speak now or forever hold your peace”? You’re the one
who blurts out, “I object!” It doesn’t matter if it’s a
family member who’s getting married, a close friend, a co-worker,
an acquaintance who you vaguely know, or somebody that you’ve never
met in your life but are crashing their wedding because there’s
nothing else to do on a Sunday afternoon. As everybody knows, once
you object, the marriage is off. The wedding guests grumble and shake
their fists at you for ruining everything…again! But for you, it’s
sweet justice.

7. The Tandem
Bicycle You Own Merely Creates the Illusion of Companionship

Deciding it’s time
to take up cycling, you opt for one of those bikes built for two.
It’s all fine and dandy if you’ve got a significant other, but if
you’re riding solo (both in life and on the bike) it causes all
sorts of issues. People stop and stare. They wonder where that
missing second rider is. Buried somewhere in your backyard? It also
gives your parents false hope that you’ve found somebody. After
all, why else would you have bought this kind of bicycle?

8. Ultimately,
Your Only Resort Will Be to Register on a Mail-order Bride/Groom
Website

Let’s illustrate it this way: you’re a lonely 23 year old guy who lives in rural North Dakota. You have a college degree, but no real prospects. You’re from North Dakota, after all. So you find the Hot Mail Order Grooms 4 Luv website where you can communicate with middle-aged women from Kazakhstan who hope to sweep you off your feet. You find one who isn’t particularly attractive, but she does own a few goats that might come in handy since your dad is a farmer. So she offers the livestock for your hand in marriage. You’re off to Kazakhstan for the rest of your life. You’re no longer single. Equally important is that you’re no longer in North Dakota. That’s like killing two birds with one stone!